TWI IMMORTAL
by I AM VEGEMITE 2
Summary: VAMPIRES, HOGWARTS, SEXY TIMES AND... VEGEMITE?
1. AAAAA

**A/N: **LISTEN TO EVANESCENCE - BRING ME TO LIFE WHILST READING THIS CHAPTER UNLESS YOU WANNA BE A PREP

**Chapter ****1: **

June 2nd 2011. It was the beginning of what would be a series of unfortunate events for Bella Swan and Edward Cullen who had begun the day with high aspirations. The two had planned a ~ dreamy ~ date to the Seattle Space Needle where they had originally thought they were going to admire the view of the sunset, whilst capturing photos of them together for their 'private finsta' which had 5 followers (it was an exclusive club). However right now instead of holding hands romantically, looking over the observation deck - they were perched on top of the Space Needle clinging onto each other for dear life. Bella's eyes which were like LIMPID TEARS were watery and red from having cried so much out of fear. Edward wished she would stop crying because frankly, her tears were making the surface of the Space Needle slippery and he did not really want to plunge to his death 605ft below.

The two had thought they would be rescued dramatically by now. Neither of them were sure how they had come to be there - one moment they were purchasing tickets and boarding the elevator to go to the top of the Space Needle. And then, suddenly the world had plunged into a darkness and they had emerged here where they had been stuck for the past two hours. How had no one noticed they were up there?! Honestly. Didn't they know who Edward's father was? Unbelievable.

"My father will hear about this". Edward complained into the void. The void did not answer him back.

Suddenly, the pair could make out an approaching silhouette which had been illuminated by the golden sun. Bella stopped momentarily crying to somehow manage to take out her phone and capture the occasion. "What?" she said, seeing Edward's disapproving glare. "It's a #Aesthetic", she said posting it on to her public Instagram. "Wow see, I already have 27 likes #hatersgonnahate".

The silhouette had reached them now, however whilst you think the two would be able to distinguish who the silhouette was - it was still a ~ mysterious black shadow ~. Then suddenly, a voice eerily like Lord Voldemort and Jabba the Hutt combined projected itself into thin air. "BELLA SWAN AND EDWARD CULLEN", it yelled at a volume of 180 decibels. If the two were not already about to fall off, they had almost let go then. The silhouette, completely ambivalent to the fact that the pair could die at any moment - continued to speak as his sentences turned into paragraphs and his paragraphs into a dramatic monologue that would make Shakespeare envious.

"You are both…" the silhouette''s voice lowered now, and was at a barely indistinguishable whisper. "... "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum …. And are coming with me because there is no free will even in this democratic society. I will kill you if you do not abide" the voice said, dramatically.

Edward opened his mouth to contest that in fact, he did have a choice and would call his father to file a lawsuit against this silhouette under the legal principle of duress or durian or whatever his father called it. However before he could pull out his iPhone 4 to ring Cullen Senior, the world had suddenly distorted itself again and he found himself spinning into another dimension.


	2. Worst Day EVER!

**A/N: **if i sound different its cos i have a cold so like don't be a h8r okay just enjoy the chapter... the song for this chapter is Simple Plan - Untitled XXXXXX

**Chapter 2:**

It was….. Jacob!

"OMG Jacob u can't just like kidnap me anytime u wanna bone at least slide into my Insta DMs first" Bella screeched, exasperated.

"I want what I want when I want it and I want you right now! And I go by the name Demonwolf now" Jacob roared. He was wearing a my chemical romance tshirt that he had cut the arms off of and leather pants that matched his black leather boots. Jacob had a tattoo of 3 days grace on his left arm, and he had dyed his hair white with electric blue streaks in it, which matched his white contacts.

"OMG Jacob you don't even look cool anymore you look like a #freak" Bella lied even though she was super turned on by his new emo look, "Now where the f*** are we?"

Edward and Bella look around. They were no longer on the Space Needle, nor were they in Washington at all. They were in…. England!

"Why did you bring us to England you dumb dog? I'm calling my father just WAIT til Senior Cullen hears about this!" Edward huffed as he pulled out his phone, pressing it against his bat-like ear.

"I had to find a way to get Bella to come see me, she's done nothing but hang out with you the past 2 days and she's acting like a total prep" Jacob said, tossing his Lily white hair. "I had to go all the way to Hogwarts so I could borrow some magic and bring you here. Now can we talk Bella?"

"As if FREAK" Bella said, "I am too hot with my belly button rings and crimped hair for the likes of you and Edward is my one and only #dayone you should go find yourself a new girlfriend or something and stay the hell away from me, Edward and any kids we might have in the future!"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

It was… Dumbledore!

"Students should not be out of the castle at this time of night GET THE FUCK BACK INSIDE BEFORE I GIVE YOU ALL DETENTION CLEANING OUT MY CHAMBERPOTS AND GIVING ME SPONGEBATHS"

"I am not a student!" Edward cried, sexy tears of blood streaming down his pale face.

"The last person to try that trick was fucking Voldemort go to your dorm right now! You're a Vampire so you'll be going to the Vampire dorm, with Vampire, Enoby, and Raven. Bella you'll be going to the Hufflepuff dorm cuz no one cares about Hufflepuffs, and Jacob you can sleep outside with Fang and the other campus dogs. Now go to bed!" Dumbledore screeched jumping up and down.

"OMFG my phone isn't working!" Bella said, crying about her Insta like a prep. "This is going to be the worst school year ever..."


	3. THE BLOOD MOON

**A/N **this chapter isn't sponsored by Vegemite, haha just kidding... Unless? if you're under the age of 18 please look away things are about to get SCANDALOUS

**Chapter 3 **

Ugh OMFG, Bella thought as she laid in bed that night. She could hear Enoby Darkness Dementia Raven Way snoring in the bed next to her. Seriously. Did these Hufflepuffs ever shut the fuck up? Who the fuck was a Hufflepuff anyway LMAO, I mean it was not like she had chosen to be with these stupid duffs. It was Professor Dumblydore's fault for leaving her here. On their first night, Enoby had tried to suck up to Bella but everyone knew she was a freakin' prep even though she claimed she was TOTALLY in with Vampire and his hot gang of Bloody Mary 666 and Ronaldo.

Bella stuck up her middle finger at the sleeping Enoby and got out of bed. Tonight was the Blood Moon, which was only the MOST important night EVA if you were a real goth and not a #loser like the wannabe vampires in her dormitory. She put on her special outfit - black fish net stockings with a high waisted blood red leather skirt (kind of like Gerard Way's hair but hotter) and her favourite Good Charlotte T-Shirt which Joel Madden had noticed her in (OMFG!). Then she dyed her hair a blood red and put on some black eyeshadow until it looked like she had been punched in the face because Bella couldn't afford to be like any of the other girls. She was Bella - the most special, beautiful girl in all of Hogwarts.

She snuck out of the window because god forbid anyone saw her walking out of the Hufflepuff dormitory. She might have turned to dust on the spot if any of the hot vamps - particularly Vampire, saw her and found out she was a Hufflepuff. After almost falling to her death, Bella smartly remembered that she had inherited bat wings from her father Dracula and conjuring them with the power of her mind, flew off into the night like some oversized T-posing bird. Eventually she came across the Blood Moon but it was not its beauty that made Bella gasp ... no, it was the figure in the distance! It was...

VAMPIRE!

Bella almost passed out. Vampire looked so sexy. He had piercing, raven black eyes and his scar had vanished - instead replaced with a tattoo of a skull with a snake coming out of it. His foundation also made him a hot ghastly white and his lips which looked soft were coated in jet black lipstick. Vampire had become so much hotter than his former days as mega dweeb, Harry James Potter. Bella wanted him and didn't try to hide it as she licked her lips, seductively. Vampire smiled and blushed shyly but despite his soft appearance, his voice was like deep velvety rich VEGEMITE-flavoured Cadbury Chocolate that would make anyone melt at their knees. "So..." he said, his voice a barely audible whisper. "Nice seeing you tonight".

Looking flustered that Bella was staring at him wide-eyed, he seemed to fumble around in his pocket before pulling out a jar of VEGEMITE. Bella gasped loudly... this couldn't be happening! "I know this is sudden," Vampire continued, "But I have really liked you ever since you stepped foot on campus and got yelled at by Dumbledore. I thought that was super hot so, will you be mine?" He said as he popped off the lid of the Vegemite and got down on one knee in the middle of the sky.

"OMG! OMG! YES OF COURSE!" Bella said, already taking off her Good Charlotte T-Shirt. Meanwhile Vampire had transformed into a full black latex body suit which had 666 in red all over it. He looked SUPER SEXY. But just as he was about to you know, pull out his thing - Bella saw something that made her say Oh and not in the good way. There was another figure in the distance only this one was much less hot... DUN, DUN, DUN...

It was Edward!


End file.
